Dedication

We are dedicating JJ tonight at church....and I am giving my testimony. I am nervous as I don't like to speak in fron of people, but know that I need to share my heart. This is what I am going to be saying...

For those of you that don’t know Mark and I that well, I’d like to start by saying that we have been married for close to 10 years and we knew that we wanted children right away. We shortly found out that having a family would not come easily for us. We went through years of fertility treatment with no success, and we were eventually told we would not be able to have children which was extremely hard to swallow…while pursuing fertility options we were also pursuing adoption….which was not an easy road either…but, we finally got a phone call on ____ and the person on the other end said that we had a baby boy!!! We were beyond excited…We picked up our new baby boy from the hospital the very next day and named him KMan…he was 3 days old…he is our 1st miracle boy!
3 years ago Mark and I were going through a lot of trials and losses. We wanted our family to grow but we were going through extreme financial crisis –We did have 2 phone calls for babies…one was a baby girl the other a baby boy…neither of those situations worked out in large part due to our finances….this was devastating for us.
Because of our financial crisis (which included loss of relationships too)…we were also losing our house. This was extremely difficult and humbling. We had to sell a lot of our possessions…things that didn’t really matter, but hard none the less.
On top of all of this my twin brother Ben had a fall on March 2nd 2009 and sustained a brain injury to his brain stem…which is the worst possible place to have a brain injury…we spent 4 days in the hospital with him…until he went home to be with the Lord on March 6th…I was completely devastated to say the least…devastated on all fronts of life.
I began to question God’s love for me, and questioned if he was truly good…I felt very alone and depressed.
I decided to do a very unspiritual thing to help me cope with all the losses…I began to train for a marathon. I decided to run the race in memory of my brother, but dedicated all my training to the LORD….which was a lot of hours as I ran a total of 576 miles in the span of 5 months.
I would listen to music and cry out to God to speak to me…one song that I would replay over and over again was “Oh how he loves me” by the David Crowder Band. The verse I would re listen to over and over again says this “He is jealous for me, loves like a hurricane, I am a tree bending beneath the weight of His mercy-when all of a sudden I am unaware of the afflictions eclipsed by His glory. And I realize just how beautiful you are, and how great your affections are for me.” ALL of a sudden my training for a marathon became the most spiritual thing I’ve ever done b/c God began speaking to me…especially through music. I heard him say “I love you, I am Good, you CAN trust me.” I remember running and crying and grieving my losses-but I began to do those things with Hope and peace in my heart…I was beginning to understand that the circumstances in my life were not a reflection of the amount of LOVE that He has for me.
One other song by the David Crowder band that I would listen to on repeat was “Just you and ME” which says “take my fret, take my fear, all I have, I’m leaving here. BE all my HOPeS, be all my dreams, be all my delights, be my everything.” HE was becoming my everything.
While training for my marathon I began to ask God for breakthrough in our family…that he would give us another child…I was truly at peace either way…but asked anyways, I promised God that if we did have another child that I would take every opportunity I had to testify to His love, and faithfulness in my life and give Him all the glory....which is why I am standing up here tonight. During the times I questioned His faithfulness…anther song that ministered to me was by Steven Curtis Chapman called “You are Faithful” which says..
"I am broken, I am bleedingI am scared and I’m confusedI am weary, unbelievingGod, please help my unbelief'Cause You are faithfulI will proclaim it to the worldI will declare it to my heartI'll sing it when the sun is shiningI will scream it in the darkWhen You give and when You take awayEven then, still Your Name is FaithfulYou are faithfulAnd with everything inside of meI am choosing to believeYou are faithful. "I and chose and still choose to believe that HE is faithful….
6 months after my marathon I found out I was pregnant. I can’t even tell you what my heart felt the day I found out…we had been trying for over 8 years…and were told by doctors that it wouldn’t ever happen…I am so thankful for the time I spent with the Lord training for my marathon…so thankful he changed my life..so thankful for our miracle boy #2 JJ….I hope that when you hear my story you are encouraged and no matter what losses you are experiencing or what you are waiting for you too can hold on to Him and His promise and rest and trust in His faithfulness. I am so overwhelmed with thankfulness as we dedicate JJ tonight.

My sweet boys!

It has been awhile since I last blogged and a lot has happened!! First, of all here is a pic of our sweet JJ. He is such a blessing. I can't believe he is already 3 months old! He is smiling and laughing...he is generally a happy baby! He sleeps ok...not through the night yet, but we are working on it! He LOVES his big brother and watches him all the time!
People have been telling me that JJ looks like my twin brother (who passed away 2 years ago) Ben. I think he does too. It is surprising considering Mark has all the dominant genes! When Ben died, I remember crying out to God saying that I wish I could have another baby boy so I could name him after Ben. I obviously didn't name him after Ben...because my brother had a baby boy and named him after Ben. BUT, isn't God so good....I had a boy and he looks a little like my brother!
Oh-I don't think I wrote about my labor...pretty much everything went wrong. I was in labor for 48 hours...I didn't get an epidural till hour number 26! Basically, I didn't progress passed 9 and a half cm....I tried pushing for a few hours too! But, in the end I spiked a fever and they had to do an emergency C-section. The hardest part was knowing that JJ would be taken right away to the special care nursery! It was a God thing that he was a C-section though because the cord was wrapped around his neck 2 times and he was born in meconium (I have no idea how to spell that!). As soon as I had JJ Mark had to pretty much go home because Kman was soooo sick and not breathing well! Mark couldn't stay at hospital with me either...so it was a little rough, but it all worked out in the end!
There has been so much joy with the arrival of JJ as he is a answer to many many years of prayer. We always tell Kman that he was our first miracle baby and JJ is our second! The hardest part about having a new baby is the time I miss with Kman. I have cried many times because our relationship is different-he was my first and I spent so much time with him!! But, I know it is good for him and me to have another little one around!

Family Photo Session

We finally had family photos taken....we haven't had any taken since Kman was 18 months old!! We met our photographer at the Eastman house in Rochester. What a beautiful place to take pictures! Kman had so much fun....it was so cold, and he didn't have to wear a coat and hat. He thought it was an adventure! On the way home he said "thanks for making my day so great Mom and Dad, taking pictures is so fun." He says the funniest things. We do realize we will have to update our family photo very soon! YAY!! Anyways we love these photos by Bethany Chase at bethanychasephotography.com-you should check her out!
Here are a few:

Faithfulness

After my blog a few months ago...It is still somewhat unreal to me...but, God has blessed us...and we are pregnant. I am just about finished with my 1st trimester. We have had two appointments one at 7 weeks where they did a "viability" ultrasound. We got to see our little peanut and his/or her fluttering heartbeat. It was amazing. Then last week at 11 weeks I went for my first "real" appointment and got to hear the heartbeat. I cried so much...I was just feeling so blessed and amazed!

Mark and I had been trying to get pregnant and went back to the fertility doctor's in late April. We had a new doctor who had a TOTALLY different perspective than our doctor 6 years ago (we went through infertility before Kman-we did several procedures...none worked...obviously!). Needless, to say we got pregnant on our first try...and we were not on any hormones. I got a call several days before my period was due (I went and got routine blood work) and they said that the blood work tested positive...I was SHOCKED to say the least. It was the first positive test we have had in 8 years. I thought the nurse on the other end was lying. I couldn't believe it....I literally crumbled to the ground and cried! I asked her again "are you sure"....my period isn't even due quite yet! So the rest of the week, I was excited, but also very anxious. I had to go back several times for blood work to make sure the hormones where doubling. There are times I think really trust God...but, then I realize it is such a process. I was so anxious for about 2-3 weeks...and really had to spend time reading God's word and focusing on Him and trusting in Him .

I still have moments of panic...."Is this really happening?" "Am I really pregnant after ALL these years?" But, in it all my HOPE is still in Him and I am so thankful for the life HE has created within me!!!!!

By the way, can you tell how excited Kman is??? He has been praying for about 6 months for a baby brother or sister....actually he has been praying for BOTH!! =)

Hope

We are in to our 7th year of infertility....it has been one of the hardest things in my life to deal with and trust God in...and yet, it has also been such a blessing. Without our years of infertility we wouldn't have our amazing son now. I wouldn't change anything because if I did, then maybe we wouldn't have checked into adoption....and yet there are days I see other families growing and it is hard. There are days I ask God "WHY?" and "WHY does it have to be so hard?". I thought that I had dealt with the issues that go along with infertility, but I am realizing that it will be a lifetime process for me. It is not something I will just get over. It is a loss in my life, and it is hard. However, I do trust God and know without a doubt he loves me and he has good things for me. After all, HE is the one who gave me my (our) son!

For about 5 years I have received an amazing publication about infertility...it has given me so much encouragement over the years. Reading people's stories makes me see that there are other couples that understand....who have walked the same road.
I would like to share a poem that was written to give you a glimpse of the pain that comes with infertility. There have been months I have felt like this...not every month...and more in the beginning of our journey...but, sometimes these feelings do creep in still.

"Today someone's hopes lay dying against the rocks
Today the waves come crashing down
Reminding her of what is not to be
Reminding her that in the nine months there will be no tiny feet
Her husbands eyes won't be staring back
Her nose won't be crinkled on another little face
She beats the ground with her balled up fist
She wipes the tears and puts on a calm face
Wondering if this nightmare will ever fade at last
Advice is offered once again, it's not the right time
Advice is offered once again, relax and it will happen
But the pain still feels the same, gut-wrenching
But the pain still feels the same, heart-breaking
And no amount of comfort can be offered
And no consoling words can bring relief
She watches other ships sail in the distance
She watches other families grow and evolve
In the flotsam and jetsam she waits, struggling to stay afloat
In the cold harsh water she clings to the cross she bears."

My hope is in the Lord, and maybe someday he will bless us with more children but maybe not...either way my HOPE is in HIM. I will hold onto hope. He is my hope.
Proverbs 13:12
Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.

LOVE my little man.

Future Marathoner??

My Parents

These pictures (taken by Andrea) speak a thousand words. It has been a tough year, a tough journey...filled with emotions like; sadness, heartbreak, anger, denial, etc....my twin brother is gone, my parent's son is gone. I ran this race in memory of him and it meant a lot to my parents, as I think you can see in these pictures. It obviously doesn't bring him back, but I am realizing how important it is to remember him....it is especially important to Mom and Dad.